Congratulations! You’ve stumbled upon FY’s weekly NFL picks. We pick games straight-up, but we focus on the week’s more competitive matchups and include at least one upset every time.
We aren’t licensed to use NFL logos, so we employ props to represent our chosen teams. If you’re being nice, you’d call said props “creative.” If you’re being honest, you’d call them nonsensical.
Sooooo, there’s no video this week … again. But as a loyal viewer, you already know that something truly insane had to happen for us to not provide you with what you desire. I’ll admit right now, the events of the past week were not as epic as last time, but they’re just as real.
On the bright side, our picks remain strong. After suffering our first losing week (last time we let Hank rub his crumby Bears stench all over them), we rebounded by going 3-0 in Week 11. But let’s get back to why there’s no video. Let me introduce you to the Thanksgiving terror…
(All events from this story have been extremely exaggerated for dramatic purposes.)
The day was Tuesday. Henry, Nick, and I were planning out our glorious Thanksgiving football feast. “Let’s not waste our time with those green things,” said Henry. “Dude, you’ll eat your broccoli or you’ll never grow up to be a Dak Prescott,” Nick sternly stated. But then I remembered, with our butler/video editor still yet to return to work from the depression of being forced to don a Jaguars jersey, how would we obtain all of these goods?
Going out into public and doing it ourselves is not only unreasonable, but more dangerous than standing behind the Colts’ offensive line. With our picks being so accurate, we can’t risk the possibility of another set of crazed fans attempting to assault us with the motive of tarnishing our picks. It became clear two weeks ago that our identities weren’t as secret as we had hoped, and that we need to take every precaution to protect ourselves moving forward.
“How about disguises?” Henry suggested. Nick responded, “Hmmm … That’s actually not a bad idea. We have to go out dressed as people who would never be recognized as football fans.”
Genius! We would dress up as 49ers fans, because there’s no way any of us were putting on a Browns jersey. So off we went, all with 49ers caps on, Henry wearing a shirt with Chip Kelly’s face on it, Nick sporting a Colin Kaepernick jersey, and myself in a Phil Dawson jersey.
The plan was working perfectly! The individuals we were passing on the street felt so bad for us that they wouldn’t even look in our direction after they caught a glimpse of the scarlet and gold. The three of us made it all the way to the grocery store, which is quite a distance from our secret headquarters (wait no! It’s not far. It’s really close. Just stay away from the grocery store) without any sort of interaction with the public.
Upon arrival we split-up to speed the process. Before I could even find the produce, Henry had already returned with a turkey under each arm. I proceeded to my search for potatoes, but they appeared to be sold out. Instead of trying somewhere else, I asked one of the clerks if they had anymore. With a smile on his face, he returned with a bag of potatoes and stated, “Happy Thanksgiving, fellas.”
It was now Wednesday, which was our day of cooking, because we can’t risk missing any of the action on Thursday. I was once again in charge of the potatoes, so I opened the bag and reached in to pull one out. But then Henry came charging towards me, “IT’S A BOOOOOOMB.” He ripped the bag of potatoes from my hands and threw it down the hallway. We all dove to the ground and took cover, but nothing happened.
Henry then noticed that Nick had been snacking on some of the carrots we had purchased. “Nooo!! It’s poisoned. Quick, you’ve gotta throw it back up.”
“Dude, there was no bomb in the potatoes, and there’s nothing wrong with the carrots. What’s next, the Rams are actually better than 7-9?” said Nick.
But just as Nick finished that sentence, there was a massive explosion from down the hallway that sent all of us 30 feet in the air. (We have big ceilings.) The moment I regained consciousness, I ran to Nick, who was still laying motionless on the ground. I lifted him up and carried him away from the flames to safety. As I was holding him he began to choke. Henry followed and said, “quick, we have to get those carrots out of him.”
Before I could say a word, Henry opened Nick’s mouth and began moving his fingers towards his throat. Just as the greasy fingers were about to enter his mouth, Nick regained consciousness and made like Donovan McNabb in the Super Bowl. Here’s where it gets really bad.
As the three of us are watching the puke fly across the room, we notice the door that it’s heading for begins to open. In walks our butler/video editor, and I let out a cry, “get out of the waaaaaayyyyyy!!!” But there was no time to react; the barf hit him square in the face, and he began screaming and running around like James Starks (aimlessly). Before any of us could get our hands on him to settle him down, he ran into our newly renovated video production room. At that point, it became a bull in a china shop.
We heard one smash after another, each quickly followed by a different curse word – I had never even heard half of them. Finally, we were able to grab him and put an end to the cussing. But it was too late for our equipment, it had all been destroyed.
So that’s why you’re without a video this week, and why we are once again without the services of our butler/video editor. Fortunately, we were still able to enjoy the great games on Thursday, but did so without our glorious feast. We hope your Thanksgiving is much less chaotic, and we’d like to give our thanks to you for reading.
Here are our picks.
Week 12 Picks
(Bengals at Ravens)
Although it seems like a good idea to have a Band-Aid representing the Bengals, considering they will be without A.J. Green and Giovani Bernard this week, it would have been too confusing, as the Ravens have the second-most players on the injured reserve. I just hope Andy Dalton isn’t disappointed in me, as well.
Not only was Edgar Allan Poe the obvious choice for the Ravens, but the theme of his poem “The Raven” epitomizes Baltimore’s season. Joe Flacco sits in his chamber (locker) mourning the loss of his beloved 2013 self, only to have the greatest Raven of all (Ray Lewis) come tapping at his chamber door, to quoth “nevermore.”
Flacco’s current form may not be good enough for the team to win another Super Bowl, but he’ll be able to beat a Bengals team that wasn’t even good with AJ Green and Gio Bernard in the lineup.
Cincinnati has now allowed at least 100 yards on the ground in four straight games, and are surrendering an average of 140.6 over their last six. Sure, Baltimore is only averaging 3.7 yards per carry (28th), but if the Giants can put up 122 rushing yards against the Bengals, anyone can.
All the Bengals have left on offense is Tyler Eifert and Jeremy Hill. Unfortunately for them, Baltimore possesses the top-ranked rush defense in the league, and second-ranked total defense. Andy Dalton will be left, once again, resembling a Red Ryder BB Gun.
(Cardinals at Falcons)
These may need some explaining. Let’s start with Steven Seagal, who I am not using to represent the Arizona Cardinals as a whole, but more specifically Carson Palmer. Just like Seagal, Carson Palmer had a couple (at most) good seasons, but his prime is long gone. Yet, they both continue forcing themselves upon us.
Onto the stuffed crust pizza that is the Atlanta Falcons. When it first came out, it seemed like such a great idea, and everyone fell in love with it. However, after a few experiences, you learn the unfortunate truth that it brings nothing to the pizza. This is the Atlanta Falcons. They looked so good to start the season, but now we’re left wondering if they’ll even hold onto a weak NFC South.
We may still be a little uncertain about the Falcons, but we do know the Cardinals are not a good team. As bad as Palmer has been this season, he’s been walking On Deadly Ground behind that shaky offensive line, who have allowed 31 sacks (third-most); and he’ll continue to be Under Siege in this one, because apparently Vic Beasley is A Dangerous Man (9.5 sacks).
Arizona ranks first in total defense, but that’s more a product of their schedule than their actual play. The Falcons get Tevin Coleman back this week, and their aerial attack will be bolstered as a result. We at FY believe Matt Ryan is Out for Justice after the high-flying Falcon offense was stymied by the Eagles, and will prove Hard to Kill in this one. (Jean-Claude Van Damme was better.)
(Panthers at Raiders)
How do these two things possibly relate to the Panthers and Raiders? Hear me out. Jordan Spieth did a lot of winning in 2015, but only has that debacle at the Masters to his name in 2016. Sound like a certain NFL team that you may know? Maybe the 15-1 Panthers of 2015? Ya, you get it.
Now onto the picture of the Earth. For a long time it was believed that the Earth was flat, and even when it was disproved, some were reluctant to change their beliefs. Where am I going with this, you ask? Well, for so long now, we have known the Raiders to be a bad football team; but now that they have won eight of their first ten, our beliefs are being challenged. Oakland has proven on multiple occasions this season that they are not a flat team, but a winning one. Yet, some of us are extremely hesitant to believe in them.
Sorry Raiders fans, the boys at FY belong to the doubters, at least for this week, anyways. Desperation mode kicked in for the Panthers, who have now won three of four after starting the season 1-5. A couple things have changed over the last few weeks for Carolina, which have led to the turnaround: first, their defensive line has finally showed up; and second, they have done a better job protecting the ball – three turnovers in their last four games, opposed to 16 through their first six.
The Panthers’ rushing attack is the last thing that needs to come along (averaging 3.8 yards per carry – 24th), and what better opportunity than against the Raider defense that’s giving up 4.6 yards per carry (28th). Carolina will control the tempo with its ground game, and their defense will put forth a Jordan Spieth at the 2015 Masters effort.
Pick: Panthers (Upset of the Week)