Soooo, there’s no video this week; but, please award me the time to explain. Once you hear what happened to us at the secret, underground FY headquarters this week, you’ll not only understand the missing video, but also empathize with us for our losses. (Wait, did I say underground? I meant definitely not underground. Wait, no; it’s not above ground, either. Just don’t look for it, please.) Here it is, the craziest story you have ever heard in your life, that is most certainly 100-percent accurate.
(All events from this story have been extremely exaggerated for dramatic purposes.)
The date was Thursday, November 3. The morning air was cool and had that pleasant fall, football scent to it; the moisture that I was feeling in my shoes suggested that the grass was extra dewy, and that I need a new pair of shoes. Perhaps one without holes.
As I continued my journey to the FY lair, I noticed things were very calm, almost too calm.
I arrived at my desk and quickly realized that I was the only one in the office. (Or was I?) As I began my morning ritual of throwing footballs through hoops while doing crunches and responding to my many fans on social media all at the same time, I heard a noise from the props closet. I walked over to make sure that our pile of dirt (which we use to represent the Browns) had not fallen over and contaminated all of the other teams, but as I opened the closet door, there was Henry Mardukas tied to a chair with a pink dildo stuffed in his mouth. As I pulled the rubber penis out of his mouth, Henry – displaying more panic than his boy Matt Barkley against the Packers – screamed, “Quick, be a Tom Brady [i.e. a hero] and untie me, you jerk!” Before I could get the final knot undone and ask him what was going on, Henry used his unprecedented physical strength to rip himself free and took off.
I was left as confused and frightened as Carson Palmer dropping back to pass, but then I heard another sound. This time it was coming from our production room. So I tip-toed my way towards it, doing my best not to make a sound. I opened the door just a crack to see what could be going on behind this door, and there was Editor-in-
Chief Bengal Nick Bellis getting worked over by five individuals in Jaguars jerseys: two of them were holding Nick’s arms behind his back (because one man wouldn’t be enough to contain him), while two others were taking turns dealing blows to his rock-hard abdomen. They needed a break because their fists were getting as beat up as Andrew Luck; and the last one was standing in front of him shouting, “Just pick the Jags to win this week, and all of this will be over!”
However, Nick continued to refuse, citing the credibility we have established with our 9-2-1 record thus far. Nick, with a sadistic, cold-blooded smirk on his face responded, “Taking the Jags would only tarnish our impressive record, and at FY, we value the advice we give to our loyal audience.”
At that point, I didn’t know which side was in more trouble. But, I knew I had to rid our office of these lousy Jags fans before their losing ways rubbed off on us. So I picked up two footballs and took aim at the two confining Nick’s arms. As I displayed my rapid, Rodgers-esque release and accuracy, knocking both out instantly, I heard a toilet flush. Then I saw Henry in a full sprint (about 4.6 speed) towards the production room. I held the door open and in he went, summoning his inner Mike Singletary and jacking-up the two who were dealing the blows, using perfect form (exploding through the glutes) to drive both, one on each shoulder, through the glass wall.
As it all happened so quickly, Nick barely had any time to react. Once he realized he was free, he grabbed the last-man-standing by the neck, lifted him into the air, and stared him straight in the eyes. Nick then said, “Even the Browns could beat the Jags right now,” before finishing the man off in a fashion that can only be described with this clip, followed by performing the Ickey Shuffle over his body.
The three of us then dragged the men out, wiped their memories with our neuralyzer, and got back to work. However, we then realized that all of our cameras were destroyed in the mayhem, and our butler/video editor had a Jaguars jersey forced on him. We did the only reasonable thing: sent him to a psychologist to obtain the help he needed.
So that’s why we couldn’t get a video done. But, we were able to rise to the occasion and make some Week 9 picks. Plus, we have done our best to include our hilarious props. (They are funny, right?)
Week 9 Picks
Although they have resembled a playful kitten for the majority of the year, the Panthers’ power run-game never went away. The difference for them in Week 8 was the defensive line finally showing its claws. They may not be able to sack Case Keenum eight times this week, but, realistically, they won’t need to.
Keenum is coming off a four-interception performance, and is one of the few quarterbacks who, even when given the time, does not have the ability to take advantage of this weak Carolina secondary. If you told me back in August that Jay Ajayi, Isaiah Crowell, Jordan Howard, and Terrance West would all have more rushing yards than Todd Gurley at the midway point of the season, I would have slapped you in your dumb mouth and told you to learn about football. But here we are, and I’m glad you didn’t say that back in August because I don’t want to go all Deacon Jones on anybody.
This won’t be the week Gurley gets going on the ground, and Cam Newton will draw three unnecessary roughness penalties on Rams defenders, en route to putting a few more dings in that old truck.
This game appears to represent a sharp, piercing object trying to work its way through an impenetrable shield. However, in reality, this is more like a katana trying to break through a relatively thick piece of wood; it may take a couple tries, but it’ll get through, and proceed to smash the precious Lego pirate island that lies beyond it.
Even without Aqib Talib, Denver’s defense will suffocate Oakland’s receivers with tight coverage and buy more time for Von Miller and DeMarcus Ware to get to Derek Carr. On offense, Devontae Booker will gash the horrendous Raiders defense for big chunks at a time, while Trevor Siemian will connect on a couple deep shots.
Quite simply, the Broncos defense is too good to allow a late-game, miraculous deep ball, which seems to be the recipe for success in Oakland.
Get it? The Saints’ defense can’t stop anyone – a Darrell Bevell offense doesn’t count – and the 49ers’ high-paced offense is having as much success as Kevin Federline in the rap game.
But, picking this game isn’t as difficult as trying to decide which of those two songs you’d rather listen to in full again, as one side is led by Drew Brees, and the other by Colin Kaepernick. I don’t need to say anymore.